Couples counselling
Couple work is usually initiated by either a joint initial meeting or two individual meetings. If the situation is highly conflictual, it may make sense for both parties to be able to describe their experiences and express their concerns without being disturbed.
Vulnerability is also at the center of my work with couples: I work with an emotional focus. This term comes from what I consider to be the most important relationship researcher of our time: Susan Johnsson*.
The results of her scientific research confirm what I have concluded both from my personal experience and from my work with couples: Human beings are made for long-term commitment. A fulfilling, stable relationship needs the certainty that the partner will stay. Separation anxiety is genetically anchored in us and it undermines the relationship if it is denied or condemned. Without the emotional security of a stable bond, lasting emotional intimacy is not possible. Which brings us back to the inner child.
This realisation contradicts a certain mindset that my generation grew up with, namely the idea that independence is the true prerequisite for a good relationship. This idea has also repeatedly confused me, against my better intuitive knowledge, and complicated my relationships.
In conventional couples therapy, the focus is usually on cognitively recognizing the role patterns and protective mechanisms of the respective relationship partners, which is very valuable in itself. However, experience shows that this alone is often not enough. If we are not really sure of the emotional bond, it is almost impossible to refrain from even long-recognized mechanical protective reactions that cause conflicts to escalate again and again. Holistic couple work focuses on the heart of the relationship: precisely this emotional bond.
When people start to feel more emotionally secure in a relationship, they can stop fighting each other. Trust in togetherness can grow and separation anxiety can be absorbed. Fertile ground is created in which love and compassion can flourish.
Previously, in conflict-laden situations, it was threatening to expose oneself emotionally or to be exposed, as this meant offering a target. Blame and condemnation are directly linked to this. In a healthy relationship climate, however, “showing oneself vulnerable” becomes a loving act of emotional intimacy that leads to recognition of both the self and the other. What we have always longed for happens: We feel recognized.
BOOK NAME TRANSLATIONS
*Allen Paaren, die bei mir Hilfe suchen, empfehle ich dringend, Sue Johnsson’s “Liebe macht Sinn” bzw. “Halt mich fest” zu lesen.
Weitere empfehlenswerte Literatur ist “Die Wahrheit beginnt zu zweit” von Michael Lukas Moeller.